Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Deer are just ballerina dogs
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.