Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
oh u like geography? name every lake
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me