Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You Might Also Like
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese