Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.