Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
i love meeting boys on tinder
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?