me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You Might Also Like
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don鈥檛 know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHR脰DINGER: *nods approvingly*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Who did it better?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I鈥檓 looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I鈥檓 sorry.