[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t