It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My blood type is b hungry.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
huge valentines day plans this year!!
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.