The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
me when i see my girls butt
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.