I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.