My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.