White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?