Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
oh u like history? name everything that happened
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead