That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Thursday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.