Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My Sentiments Exactly
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.