[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Hmmmmm
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”