Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
this is uni
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Modded the new Gran Turismo
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.