The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Never forget.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.