Go girl power!
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Twitter is an abusement park.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
that lip filler tho
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts