Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
This took me a second..
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!