me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
You Might Also Like
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The photographer’s assistant
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did