*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Natty or not?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness