Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
This made me chuckle.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.