I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”