A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
lmao
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t