A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny