Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
🤣😈🤣
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Saturday
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.