[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”