Worst Native American name ever.
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
why isn’t he texting back
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.