Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?