I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold