Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number