I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…