*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Fidel Castro was alive?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.