These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
🤣🤣🤣
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”