If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift