contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.