My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ah..makes sense now
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
getting old is fun
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes