Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.