My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.