My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Its a hippotatomus
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat