[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.