All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.