Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“Wait, let me explain..”