Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*