police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.