Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
(Musicians.)
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
okay run it by me one more time
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.