whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
You Might Also Like
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”