DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I saw this ending much differently.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.