Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.